Prince Caspian
July 25-27
$1 admission
Audian Theater, Pullman WA

So there are a lot of 6’s involved with this movie: 66% positive reviews (106 out of 160) with an average rating of 6.3/10. I don’t bring this up to imply that there is a hellish numeric conspiracy haunting a Christian movie parable, rather…well I don’t have a rather. I guess I did mean to imply there was a demonic number conspiracy. Let’s see if there is any evidence to support my ridiculously unfounded observation.

“If anything, this sequel could have used more hellfire. You leave feeling covered in a blanket of bland.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

Okay. Just to play devil’s advocate, adding a few flames of eternal damnation to any movie is likely to spice it up. All those 6’s are probably just coincidence.

“In steering the film closer to his own vision, director Adamson steers it away from C.S. Lewis's, and so it loses some of the book's core spiritual themes.” Peter T. Chattaway Christianity Today

“Much of what makes the first Narnia movie work is, literally, missing in action in the spiritless sequel.” John Wirt Advocate (Baton Rouge, LA)

So at best, this sequel substitutes spiritual themes for war and fighting. At worst, it has no soul.

Nothing suspicious in this photo


“If this is a movie for children than I can only guess the filmmakers had Donald Rumsfeld's grandkids in mind when they made it.” Richard Knight Windy City Times

Okay. I assume that Mr. Knight is categorizing Rumsfeld as a war-mongering power-mad grandpa who puts his children to bed in Halliburton footies, but why would his grandkids be the target audience? What lessons does this film endorse?

“If there's one genre of family film that's my personal favorite, it's the one featuring a sword-fight to the death.” Mark Ramsey MovieJuice!

Ah. So the wholesome message is that it’s okay to gore enemies with a cutlass even though you couldn’t take one to school or on a plane. Very Rumsfeldian. Let’s stay in this mode and read some nonsense.

“Puss in Boots, Gimli and Jesus Christ walk into a bar. The bartender, noticing how down they all look, asks what's wrong...” Gina Carbone Seacoast Newspapers (NH/Maine)

I’ve got that weird feeling where I hear the set up for a joke, but not the punch line. Hopefully the movie isn't the punch line. Hm.

Behold the sacred text from whence came yonder film


“Ben Barnes [Prince Caspian] looks lost, with a thick Mediterranean accent reminiscent of Mandy Patinkin's avenging Spaniard from The Princess Bride: 'My name is Inigo Montoya--you killed my father--prepare to die!'” Kimberly Gadette LivePDX

So what if the review has little to do with the movie, everyone loves Princess Bride quoting. And on that note, when I am asked if I take Sarah’s hand in marriage, I will resist the instinct to say ‘as you wish.’

Party.
Drink.
Jubilation.

I’m off to get married. Weeeee!

Don't mess with the Jesus!

The Dark Knight
$158,400,000 opening weekend gross

We’re going to play a little game here, but we’ll get to that in a minute. If you haven’t seen the Dark Knight yet, then you probably either don’t have the time or you have a ’standing in line’ phobia. With its ‘biggest opening weekend ever’ hype coupled with reviewer praisegasms everywhere you look, it’s easy to embrace the fears of guys like this:

“Good, but overrated.” Robert Roten Laramie Movie Scope

Even with reservations, any mention of ‘good’ guarantees that a few more twinkles have been added to the mountain of stars The Dark Knight has accumulated. However keeping your expectations in check is a struggle with any summer movie, especially when the you read reviews like this:

“Do not worry about going in with unrealistic expectations. Your expectations pale in comparison with what The Dark Knight is prepared to deliver.” Brandon Fibbs Colorado Springs Gazette


Bold claims abound. It sounds a little shystery doesn’t it? No expectation is too unrealistic! So, let’s test the limits of Bat-hype. I’ve chosen the most hyperbolific reviews I can find and slipped in a faux review of my own. See if you can pick out the one that I made up amidst the ocean of rabid adulation.

“I say this with a smile from ear to ear, there is too much of a good thing. The Dark Knight is the best adult superhero film of all time.” Jeff Bayer The Scorecard Review

Stylish!


“To call The Dark Knight brilliant is an phenomenal understatement. Its bar-raising impact on both crime and superhero movies will be felt for decades. If movies could heal diseases, this one cures cancer.” Ted Hogan Hogansays.com

“This is the kind of movie going experience that people tell their grand kids about.” Bill Clark FromTheBalcony

Diabolical!


“...in the world of movies based on comic book heroes, there are the new Batman films, and then there's everything else.” Daniel M. Kimmel Worcester Telegram & Gazette

“Nolan and company did such an incredible job with this and tied up all the loose ends so well, that it's hard to fathom what they could do and where they could go with a 3rd film. I sincerely hope there isn't another Batman film. You can't top perfection.” Michelle Alexandria Eclipse Magazine

Terrifying!


“So here it is: The best superhero movie ever. The Dark Knight deftly accomplishes all one could hope for, and then it surpasses it, and then it continues to surprise. The movie isn't just a triumph, it is that rare pop-culture oddity: A masterpiece.” Christopher Smith Bangor Daily News

“I'm tired of the early Oscar talk too, but when you're talking the best performance in years, if not decades, it's worth talking about. The whole movie is worth the buzz. Christopher 'Slowly Revealing Myself To Be God' Nolan has done it again.” Gina Carbone Seacoast Newspapers

Oh God! It burns!


Post your answer in the comment section, but before we conclude that this is the greatest movie ever let’s temper our excitement a little by indulging a nay-sayer.

“Mixed with the flashes of absolute brilliance are long dead sections. The film left me more often bored than entertained. It's a certain candidate for my list of this year's most overrated movies.” Steve Rhodes Internet Reviews 229 Comments

Most reviews get a handful of responses, sometimes in double digits if they’ve said something brilliant or stupid. I included the link to the comments in case you were curious. The anonymous venom and anger speaks to some long-bottled geek anger. Oh, the sad frustration of people craving unanimousness and getting healthy debate. Tragic. But then again, there were people who didn’t like Wall-E too.

We mourn the
Pleasantly Dire Joker

Goodyear is the Batman's bitch.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Village Cinemas 7:10p 9:40p
Admission: always too much

Hello all faithful readers. This week I’m doing something a little different and giving everyone the heads up on a movie that’s coming out this weekend. That’s right, not a cheapo 3rd run crapfest, but an expensive, shiny 1st run blockbuster (plus it has blasphemy in the title). First, the setup: In the mid-nineties, visionary artist Mike Mignola created Hellboy, a demon summoned by Nazis and raised by American soldiers.


The comic was such a hit that director Guillermo Del Toro developed it into a big budget film. The original movie impressed more than depressed critics (79%) and the sequel is on track for the same reviewer love (87% thus far). For those of you who are skeptical (or skeptible) of a superhero movie that wasn’t around when you were a kid, here’s the sales pitch.

“Fun from start to finish, Hellboy tries to bridge the gap between fanboys and their parents. And it succeeds -- in part thanks to Barry Manilow.” David Foucher EDGE Boston

Horary for the man who brought Mandy to the world. Did you know that he wrote the songs that made the whole world sing? Oh, and Copacabana.

“Hellboy is it's own world. That is a compliment and also the problem. Director Guillermo del Toro has envisioned a fantastic looking world, but it's just a vision.” Jeff Bayer The Scorecard Review

Hold up, you’re holding this movie to an unfair standard. The criticism is that it didn’t create a new world? First, all movies are ‘just visions.’ And second, if he had created a new world, where would we put it?

Don't try to resist the cuteness. Give in! Give in!


“Hellboy is without a doubt the most compelling and interesting superhero character ever on screen.” Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com

At least until The Dark Knight comes out. Three cheers in the meantime.

“...in a summer of billionaires with robot suits and nerdy scientists with rage issues, somehow the red-skinned demon who drinks beer in the shower is the big screen superhero I can relate to the most.” Luke Y. Thompson L.A. Weekly

That’s an amusing (if somewhat disturbing) insight into the life of a movie critic. If I’d had a beer in the shower this morning, I’d probably be grumpy by lunchtime. Like this guy.

“Simply a bull in a china shop, smashing around aimlessly, desperately hoping we'll at least be impressed with the horns.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Maybe it’s just me, but I’d be plenty impressed with a hornless bull prancing around a Crate and Barrel. And entertained. And pooping myself. Let’s move towards a conclusion.

“A feast for the senses: Del Toro's wild imagination is boundless and Hellboy II unfolds as a spectacle of lights, sounds, images and effects, some of which highly original and diabolically amusing.” Emanuel Levy EmanuelLevy.Com

A diabolically imaginative feast of amusing originality and boundless spectaclality (complete with sounds, lights, and images). Are you sold yet?

Purgatory Don't Justify

Better dead than what?


This is Abe. He's the cute one.



Look! Hellboy is as famous as Jordon!

The Incredible Hulk
Audian Theater Pullman, WA
$1 admission

First, let’s get the nay saying out of the way by addressing the most common questions/concerns. Yes, this Hulk is a remake, but it’s almost a sequel to Ang Lee’s 2003 Hulk movie (This new one begins where the last one left off). No, that probably wasn’t intentional (because the studio would rather you forget about the other version). Yes, the Hulk is still a big CGI beast that looks like a posable plastic toy to some people. Yes, general audience consensus was that the 2003 Hulk movie was a stinker (although critics didn’t think so: 61% positive). Yes, this Hulk was better reviewed (68% positive), but the old Hulk made more money ($132 mil versus $124 mil [to date]). No, I’m not going to begin every sentence with a Yes or No. So, if the 2003 Hulk got a 61% and the new Hulk got a 68%, is the reboot only 7% better?

“Why remake a crappy movie five years later if it's only going to be
marginally less crappy?” Dana Stevens Slate

Probably because people like us will pay to see it (at least for a dollar). But you just repeated my question back to me. Are we getting an improvement or the same movie with a new coat of green paint?

Whoa. Check out Lou. Has he gotten bigger?


“If The Incredible Hulk, a plastic, steroidally pumped reattempt, is what the fanboys really wanted, then they don’t deserve directors like Ang Lee.” Joshua Rothkopf Time Out New York

Fine, then you don't deserve a pronounceable last name. Enough comparison! For the people who choose to forget the old and focus on the new, what are we getting?

“If it's not the best Superhero film since ''Batman Begins'', it's still an early contender for one of the Best Films of the Year. This Hulk is Incredible!” Clint Morris Moviehole

That’s more like it. But points off for using the word “incredible” in your review. It’s a hack move and some critic always has to do it. I can already hear critics calling the Dark Knight ‘dark’ and Hellboy ‘boyish’ or ‘hellish’. Let’s hear from the critics who regressed to Hulk-speak.

“Me no like new Hulk much.” Danny Minton Beaumont Journal

“Hulk. Smash. But not Smash Movie.” Sean McBride Sean the Movie Guy

Thanks children. Anyone else ready to get punny?

“Now, this is how you go green.” Christopher Smith Bangor Daily News (Maine)



Nice one. Before we finish, we need at least one person to comment on the CGI (since graphics replace actors down the home stretch).

“The Hulk looks like a dark, shiny, muscular pickle.” Sean O'Connell Filmcritic.com

I assume that’s a bad thing because I hate pickles, but if you’d said cucumber I’d be just as confused. Let’s end with some context. This summer has been all about the superheroes (Batman, Hellboy, Iron Man), how does the Hulk fit in?

“Can anybody smell the franchise that Marvel is cooking?” Kam Williams Black Star News

Yeah, it smells like the Avengers (the superhero group that features both Iron Man and the Hulk), oh, and money.

Pecks Do Jiggle

AHHHH! Giant Pickle Monster!


Awwwww! Giant Pickle Toy!

Speed Racer
Audian Theater Pullman, WA
$1 admission
Sat-Sun 6pm 8:30pm

Despite the lack of number love (36% positive), the nutty and uneven experimentation of the Wachowski’s proved a serious descriptive challenge for critics. In trying to explain the movie to audiences, reviewers compare SR to everything from kaleidoscopic vomit to being trapped in a gumball machine on acid. The core question here is: can a movie that’s all style, no substance, be goodish? As the jingle says, Go, Speed Racer. Go.

“No, Speed Racer. No.” Christopher Smith Bangor Daily News (Maine)

Touche…jerk.

“At times the film feels like Hot Wheels on either steroids or LSD - or both.” Bob Bloom Journal and Courier (Lafayette, IN)

“Comparable to dousing one's eyeballs in a sugary hyper-digitized Skittles soup.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

Despite being negative, both of those reviews sound they could be a good time (Hot Wheels and Skittles Soup sounds like a 7th grader’s perfect day dream).

“As entertaining as a sugar-addled 5-year-old, Speed Racer left me feeling like I'd been in a hit and run with a box of Crayolas.” Kevin Williamson Jam! Movies

He must have been thinking of his 5-year-old in this example because someone else’s sugar-crazed kids running people over with Crayolas sounds pretty funny. Despite the amusing comparisons we still don’t have a clear sense of what this movie does to an audience.

“Speed Racer may very well give your brain diabetes, and I state that as compliment.” Rob Humanick Projection Booth

I find this comment disturbing for several reasons. One, I don’t think brain diabetes is any flavor of good. Two, I think the author is a robot. Instead of telling us who he writes for, he tells us where he is. Plus, his name could be considered a sinister plan to take over the world. Robbing humans? What exactly does he want to steal from us (other than our ability to control insulin production)? But I’m getting off track, let’s have some hyperbole.

“The fastest, most furious movie of all time.” Fred Topel Can Magazine

Of all time? Ah, Fred ‘not Ted Copel’ Topel. I’ve got to stop quoting you. You’re creating a place for yourself as an erratic mood pendulum critic and I’m feeling remiss in encouraging you. Let’s wrap this up. Since this movie threw critics for a loop, we end with a thumbs askew review.

“"Speed Racer" is a stylish, electrifying, intense and visually breathtaking catastrophe of a movie...” David Keyes Cinemaphile.org

Peddling Downhill Jauntily

Ye' Old Version