Fall movies have a not-so-proud tradition of being the sediment at the bottom of a bottle of summer beer. They are the runoff of movies that aren’t good enough to win awards (which are Christmas/holiday movies) or aren’t exciting enough to pack seats (especially if they’re up against Indy and Bats). What were left with is muck, with an occasional floater (ie Burn After Reading, Ghost Town). This week, nothing rises to the top, and your money is better spent on Amazon Gold Box deals or a nice car wash.

First up, is Spike Lee’s Miracle at St. Anna (35%), which is sitting atop the heap. Too bad the heap might as well be under a port-o-potty.


“Spike Lee bites off far more than he can possibly chew and ends up choking on his overindulgence. Despite flashes of extraordinary genius, Miracle at St. Anna is little more than a cartoon masquerading as a mature movie.” Brandon Fibbs Colorado Springs Gazette

It’s not often that you hear a war movie described as a cartoon. I’m having a little trouble picturing it.

“This is like the 'Where's Waldo' of war films: Find the story, locate the characters. You have three hours. Good luck to you.” Kimberly Gadette LivePDX

Yeesh, maybe he’s hiding behind the director. Is there anything redeemable here?

“[O]bviously crafted with deep earnestness and profound love and serious talent... [but] it fails entirely, on every level, in every way that a movie can fail.” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

You're probably better off reading this


And those are the reviews of this week’s best offering. Are you ready to hear from the runner’s up? Next is the Stephen Spielberg produced techno thriller Eagle Eye (28%). Despite a solid cast (Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan and Billy Bob Thornton) and enough explosions to scar the retina, it has critics saying things like:

“Without giving anything away, let's just say that the ending of Eagle Eye is about as subtle as being impaled to death by an American flag.” Marc Fennell Triple j

Sounds like a crowd pleaser. Next.

"I'm a serious actor. Look at this face!"


“...this is a movie with many meanwhiles it seems to have been edited with a hand grenade” Kurt Loder MTV

Sounds like a blast. Next.

“So many ideas from other films have been cobbled together the experience of watching it is like being in a blender.” Laura Clifford Reeling Reviews

So if you enjoy getting a face full of hand grenade, while being stuck in a blender after being impaled on flag - this one’s for you. Last up is the Nick Spark’s romance: Nights in Rodanthe (27%). It stars Richard Gere, Diane Lane, and a really pretty house.



See?


“Many critics will no doubt tar this film with the dreaded "Lifetime movie" epithet, but I'd venture a bit further -- Nights in Rodanthe is the world's longest General Foods International Coffee commercial.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

Well, if you’ve ever cried while watching a commercial, you might still be on the fence.

“The dialogue alone in Nights in Rodanthe made me choke back tears. It's like being pepper-sprayed that way.” Kevin Williamson Jam! Movies

And if you’ve never been pepper-sprayed, you might think ‘it can’t be that bad.’ Chances are if you’re still interested in seeing Gere be romantic minus the comedy, then our final review won’t change anything.

“Fans of weepy romances will dig it; the rest of us would prefer a battle with mutant, killer rats.” Matt Stephens E! Online

Had mutant killer rats been an option, I might have encouraged you to visit your local theater. However, given the radioactive stink of this week’s offerings, I recommend watching that Netflix movie you’ve had for the last month.

See how much fun she's having?


PDJ

Last week’s roundup race ended in a true rarity: the quality of reviews directly corresponded with the amount of money made:

79% - Burn After Reading ($19 Million)
22% - Righteous Kill ($16 Million)
10% - The Women ($10 Million)
It’s almost as if people are listening to the reviewers. Weird. Anyhow, this week we have a quartet of movies opening, but we’ll forgo the race analogy. Instead, we’ll do a simile tournament. What is a simile tournament you say? Well, comparisons that rely on ‘like’ or ‘as’ are similes and today the 4 upcoming films will do battle with their words. Ready? Your first competitor is Igor: a computer-animated tale of a hunchbacked-henchmen with grand ambitions.


“Director Tony Leondis and screenwriter Chris McKennna have mined everything from Young Frankenstein to Sleepy Hollow to Japanese anime to the German Neo-Expressionists to create that rare thing, a cartoon for adults.” John Anderson Newsday

Yay old people. Igor is up against another supernatural satire: Ghost Town. British Office star Ricky Gervais plays a dentist who can see dead people.


“Quibbles about the film ultimately are as unimportant as a bit of undigested beef, a blot of mustard or a crumb of cheese: 'Ghost Town' is for real.” John Beifuss Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)

Judges? Sadly, Igor’s review was not a simile and is out of the contest. Let’s hear from a few of the unhappy reviewers just so you didn’t think it lost on a technicality (Note: Igor currently sits at 27% positive).

“So bad it's scary.” Robert Wilonsky L.A. Weekly

“I think we need a No Child Left Behind Act for the movies.” Josh Larsen LarsenOnFilm
Doh!

While Ghost Town advances to the finals, the final two competitors enter the rhetorical ring. First up, My Best Friend’s Girl: a romantic comedy about a professional girlfriend dumper named Tank (played by Dane Cook) who agrees to help his friend Jason Biggs after he is dumped by Kate Hudson. Wow, even the synopsis sounds terrible. Let’s hear from the critics.


“Der Film handelt von einem Mann namens "Tank", der dafür bekannt ist, Frauen zu fürchterlichen Dates auszuführen, damit sie zu ihren Freunden, denen sie eigentlich den Laufpass gegeben hatten, zurückkehren. Als er eines Tages die Ex eines guten Freundes auf die gleiche Weise zu diesem zurückbringen soll, muß er sich zwischen ihr und seiner Freundschaft zu ihm entscheiden.” Zelluloid.de (German)

Uh. Hm. Well, sadly even though the movie comes out today, no reviewers have seen it (except in Germany). Never a good sign. It’s up against a bad ass playing a bad guy: Samuel L. Jackson is a cop who dolls out his own neighborhood justice in Lakeview Terrace. What dya got?



“Like a bad roller coaster. It sure is fun getting to the top, but everything else is a letdown and you walk away feeling a little ripped off.” Jeff Otto ReelzChannel.com

Since I can’t read German, congrats to Lakeview Terrace. Onto the finals, which will be a back and forth of pro’s and con’s until I get tired of doing it. Keep it up Mace.

We're selling these shirts to raise money for a new officers-only hot tub, should I put you down for 10 or 20?

LT: “As a huge fan of LaBute's [the director] usual work, I'd like to believe he intended Lakeview Terrace as a mockery of dopey conventions and that his heightened sense of irony just floated over my head.” Phil Villarreal Arizona Daily Star

So you’re hoping that the movie was a joke that’s over your head rather than a bad film? That’s a kind of loyalty usually reserved for uber-fans and cultists. You’re up Ghost Town.

GT: “It's as if Rosie O'Donnell tried to slip into a Carrie Underwood-sized teeny weeny bikini instead of a tasteful one piece. Not enough material.” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

Someone get that mental image a towel.

LT: “If an actor this talented is going to slum it in hokey, over-the-top thrillers, I'd prefer he direct his anger at those mother-effing snakes on that mother-effing plane.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

GT: “British comic Ricky Gervais can play assholes the way Yo-Yo Ma can play the cello.” Dan Lybarger eFilmCritic.com

In the battle of the mother-effer versus the SOB, we go to the numbers to determine our winner.

My Best Friend's Girl 0%
Igor 30%
Lakeview Terrace 40%
Ghost Town 87%

We laugh at our competition…and dead people


Paticus Rex

IT'S A RACE!!


Unlike last week's mirage of hair in a wasteland of wigs, this Friday (September 12th) is a race. Three opening movie horses are striving to win your green ribbons. First up, the old veterans: DeNiro and Pacino in Righteous Kill.


“Equally gritty old school crime thriller and flashy seductive post-modern whodunit noir, along with De Niro's off the job kinky rough sex lover forensic babe (Carla Gugino) who likes him to role play criminals in bed, Righteous Kill delivers the goods.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

No one should be surprised to see an R rating after reading that. Sounds nuts, but I want a little nuts when two legends are on the screen. However, as good as it sounds the bad news is written on the wall. After Heat, both actors haven't really been on their A games. Remember Hide and Seek (a psychological thriller with DeNiro) and 88 minutes (a cop thriller with Pacino) which finished at 13% and 6% respectfully? That's what they're up against. The question of whether or not this horse can win comes down to the actors. Do they save the picture, or that other thing?

Does this symbolize our competition or our careers?


“Not surprisingly, what's right about Righteous Kill begins and ends with Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino.” Cathy Jakicic Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

“The novelty of watching De Niro and Pacino team up wears off pretty quickly.” Keith Phipps Onion AV Club

The vote’s not in yet. You’ll have to check the comments to see who wins. Next up, the dark horse. While you probably haven’t heard anything about The Women, you’re about to wonder why, because it stars Meg Ryan, Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, and Jada Pinkett Smith. How can a movie with this much star power have a dim result (even if it is a remake)?



“Even though English completely changed Luce's intent from savage satire to 'celebrating women,' and it's far too long, it has a terrific performance by Mendes and some funny lines.” Tony Medley Tolucan Times

That sounds mostly positive. What’s the opposite side say?

“The original was a tart dipped in acid; this one's a biscuit sprinkled in Splenda.” Keith Phipps Onion AV Club

That sounds mostly confusing. What else do we have?

I hope this is Nick Cage calling about Ghost Rider 2!


AUTHORS NOTE/QUALITY SPOILER WARNING: Unfortunately, I cannot continue a positive/negative back and forth for this movie. It’s a distant third in the running and nearly every reviewer is wearing their heckler’s cap. Skip past the examples if you’re interested in hearing about the final horse: the Academy winning thoroughbred.

“No cliché, no matter how it screams and pleads for mercy, makes it out of this baby untapped.” Chris Cabin Filmcritic.com

“It's a movie of one-shots, with the ladies staying in their flattering light, delivering their lines to someone who reacts to that clever line in the next one-shot.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Last into the gate, but first in marketing is the Coen Brother’s newest: Burn After Reading. It’s got a lot going for it, including a super cast (Clooney, McDormand Pitt, Malcovich) and uber-directors (fresh from No Country For Old Men). Is this the best bet or the biggest hype?



“The Coens are so hot right now they could probably sell the idea for a comedy involving the changing of fish tank water.” Rebecca Murray About.com

True, but what about the movie?

“Shot, scored and edited like a paranoid conspiracy thriller, but acted with comic exuberance by a brilliant ensemble cast, it presents itself seriously while making hardly any sense at all.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

So it’s the best kind of nonsense. Anyone else want to chime-in? How about someone with a made-up last name.

“Mostly we're along for a curious ride. Individual scenes are enjoyable, some laugh-out-loud funny. But it's not a story being told, really, so much as an exercise in ongoing and increasing stupidity on the part of the characters.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic

Thanks Mr. Goodykoontz. Please don’t leave Arizona anytime soon; we’d have to lock up our children. Someone want to sum up, before we see who wins?

I just burned a pirate copy of this movie, what should we do now?


“[Burn After Reading is]..a comedy classic that can stand with "Raising Arizona," "Fargo" and "The Big Lebowski" as memorable.” Michael A. Smith Nolan's Pop Culture Review

Big words. And it’s a big weekend for movies, but which one should take home the triple-crown?

Pick. Don’t Jive.

Follow the famous people's example and go see a movie

Bangkok Dangerous
Opens September 5th

After a long hiatus of honeymoons and school start-up stress, I'm back with a roundup of a movie you really shouldn't bother seeing. Bangkok Dangerous is the story of a morally flexible hit man who travels to Thailand to kill people, but learns something about himself along the way. If the premise doesn't sell you on avoidance, how about the fact that it stars Nick Cage in a ridiculous wig? Still on the fence? Check for glue, then marvel at the mighty 7% positive reviews. There were so few happy reviewers that I'll just go ahead and let them tell you why you SHOULD go see this mess.

"This version of Bangkok Dangerous is a respectable genre movie, but not much more." David D'Arcy Screen International

Here's Nick threatening the audience to like his movie

And here he's protecting himself from rotten vegetables and other airborne complaints


Okay, it's a respectable entry into the hit man genre, despite being an American remake from the original directors. We've established a concrete ceiling of positivity. Just underneath is:

"The Pang brothers take full advantage of their Hollywood budget to paint Bangkok skyscrapers in shimmering midnight blues." James Christopher Times [UK]

Did the director's literally paint some skyscrapers? Sounds expensive. But if the cinematography ain't bad at least the movie has something going for it.

"Couldn't the Pangs have spent some of that studio money on more lights?" Josh Larsen LarsenOnFilm

"Bangkok Dangerous pretends to have a lot on its mind. It moves slow as molasses and has the same general coloring." Rafer Guzman Newsday

Not so much. Is there any reason to see this movie?

Not everyone's happy about the remake


"The only reason to see a Nicolas Cage movie these days is to have a good laugh at his latest wig." David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]

Don't worry; I can save you the money.



Maybe the director's spent their money on sculpting yak hair in the shape of a dead squid. They way reviewers go on, it sounds like the mullet is the bigger star. Next summer see Nick Cage's Hair in:

Con Hair!


If there was a strong gust of wind, I think he might take flight. This film doesn't deserve any more of your time or mine, but let's have a final thought anyway.

"Certainly lives down to its title, which sounds like a caveman giving travel advice." Matt Pais Metromix.com

See movie bad. Save money good. Done now.

PDJ