Pumpkins, cupcakes and Jack O’Lanterns – oh my
Rarely is it so good to be different and fun to lie.
Hyper kids ring doorbells to get their candy
Why do so many girl costumes make people randy?
Let's dress up to get down and party till the drinks run dry

But, if you’re not into wild parties or handing out teeth-rotting supplements this Halloween, perhaps you’ll go see a movie – which is where I come in. This week is like bobbing for apples in apple juice. I’m not really sure what that means, but I was looking for a simile that communicated how similar reviewer opinions are about these movies.

For example, the only legitimately scary movie opening today (The Haunting of Molly Hartley) is in a battle with Saw V for worst scary movie in recent memory. And the reviewer seems to agree that the movie isn’t worth a handful of empty candy wrappers.



“When it comes to excruciating Halloween activities, I think I'd prefer a Milky Way/razor blade surprise to this asinine, pathetic motion picture.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

When critics say they’d rather eat razor blades than watch this movie, well…it’s bad.

“At least High School Musical 3 is proud to be innocent; Haunting is as benign as the gym class bully who backs down at the slightest challenge.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

But those are my favorite type of bully. Oh well. Since the ‘scary’ movie isn’t really scary or interesting, I’ll do my best to make the remaining movies sounds as terrifying as I can. Behold the Changeling!


“There are parts of the film that are far more horrifying than anything the makers of the Saw features and other gruesome terrors could ever imagine.” Jeff Vice Deseret News, Salt Lake City

Eh? Are you soiling your costume yet? How about this one?

“A desiccated nowhereland, like something waiting to be feasted on by Stephen King's ravenous Langoliers.” Keith Uhlich UGO

Okay, as scary as those reviews sound, the truth is that Changeling is not based on a shape-shifting alien killer, which is too bad. Rather, it is a period drama directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Angelina Jolie. Hopefully the truth isn’t scarier than the fiction.

“..director Clint Eastwood once again fires the first shot in the Oscar battle.” Michael A. Smith Nolan's Pop Culture Review

Did you see that? Eastwood just shot at us. Scaaaaarry!

Boo!


Anyhow, enough of that. Some people are dropping Oscar buzz about this one, which is strange because it’s perched at 53% positive. Perhaps the sum isn’t as good as the dismembered parts.

“[Jolie]'s oozing that mysterious charisma that's half dazzling intelligence and half riveting talent and half the magic of the gods of Hollywood smiling on her, and through her.” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

Ancient Gods for Jolie! I wouldn’t think they hold much sway over the academy, but then again, Oscars statues are little gold idols…

Hmmmm. Fresh critic.


“Audiences will be forgiven for reaching for their coats and then putting them down again over and over; every time you think this tune is done, there's another 38 bottles of beer on the wall.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

And we’re back to drinking beer. Nice. Our next film features the tagline “A story of Sex, Thugs and Rock and Roll” entitled: RocknRolla (58%). It is another entry in the British crime movies of Guy Ritchie (Snatch, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels).



“Ritchie, who shoots and cuts everything in RocknRolla like an ad for a particularly greasy brand of fragrance for men, delivers the beatings and killings in his trademark atmosphere of morally weightless flash.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

Greasy cologne and morally weightless killings are scary.

“RocknRolla reminds us of how cool Ritchie was before Madonna doused his fire. Pity he makes us wait so long.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Madonna is scary. Sort of.

“I'd call it all a parody of cinematic male aggression, except I think it's a parody of a parody of cinematic male aggression...” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

I’d call that a confusing review, except I think it’s a parody of confusing reviews. Anyhow, our last movie is currently the highest rated, the most anticipated and the most politically charged: Zack and Miri Make A Porno (68%). Some parents have taken offense to the word ‘porno’ because they have to explain to their kids what it is. That being said, this movie must really be offensive right?

“There may not be a special movie rating for this kind of coyness, but it definitely feels like emotional porn.” Liam Lacey Globe and Mail

“An extremely rare movie commodity -- a romantic comedy for guys.” Richard Knight Windy City Times

Okay. The combination of ‘emotional’ and ‘porn’ makes the movie sound pretty sappy. The same way I assume that ‘gun porn’ will sensationalize guns and ‘torture porn’ makes torture look like fun (at least for half the parties involved), I assume Zach and Miri will have people crying on each other’s shoulders.

“Zack and Miri Make a Porno is crude and raunchy, but it's also a great date movie. See it with someone you love -- and want to grope.” Rene Rodriguez Miami Herald

Hm. So, in the interest of clarification: is the emphasis on ‘emotion’ or ‘porn’?

“Just like good porn, the movie delivers scene after scene of tension and release, and you leave the theater happy. And maybe a little tired.” Chris Farnsworth E! Online

Sounds like a vote for porn. Okay, let’s end with a review that deals with a curse. Yes, you read right. A cuuurrrse! After all, a romantic comedy about pornography that comes out on Halloween has got to be scary for someone.

“Kevin Smith finally has a hit with Rogen and porn stars. Smith got the Ben Affleck curse lifted.” Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com

Sorry Ben. Enjoy the festivities everyone.

How dare you?


Punish those who
Douse
Jack-o-lanterns

If you are believer in universal balance (from Ying and Yang to protons and electrons) then you can appreciate the stunning cinematic conflict that exists between this week’s warring franchises: Saw V and High School Musical 3: Senior Year. On one hand, a series that will be remembered as the father of torture porn (not a good thing) and on the other, the perma-smiling descendants of Walt Disney’s original Mickey Mouse Club (good for money thing). If Saw was actually still popular, I’d fear the tension between both sets of fans stuck waiting in line for the premiere. It’s grins versus goths and songs versus switchblades.


Expect to see flocks of blissful tweens frantically pushing their way past a few SAW die-hards preoccupied with deciding what concessions will least smudge their ghoulish make-up. HSM3 will make huge amounts of money; Saw will make huge amounts of people sick. Will either deserve your time and/or money? Let’s start with the automatic NO:

“The first three Saws were at least plausible within the grotesque terms of the premise. The fourth was ridiculous and this, the fifth, is laughable.” Victor Olliver Teletext

That’s the most forgiving review available.

“It doesn't just insult your intelligence; It assumes you have none.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Yeesh. While Saw V currently has the dreaded double goose egg (00% positive – as of Thursday night), it will make several million dollars because is a scary movie released near Halloween. But easily frightened movie-goers might be in for a nasty surprise.

“This time, the movie theater is a trap.” Staci Layne Wilson Horror.com

Ahhhhh!!!

In playing up the dichotomy so much I’ve left out a perfectly boring cop movie that also comes out this weekend. Pride and Glory is stuck in the middle with its tired brothers-in-blue plot and sadly misplaced actors (Edward Norton, Colin Farrell, John Voight).

“Constructed almost entirely out of cop-drama clichés.” Josh Bell Las Vegas Weekly

But you didn’t say they were all bad clichés.

“Dull, predictable, ugly, filled with bad or lackluster performances, contains objectionable racial material and just generally lacking in anything worthwhile. One of the worst movies of the year.” Devin Faraci CHUD

Okay. All bad then.

“Pride And Glory is anything but. And though rife with brutality and cynicism down a path way too over the top to make sense of it all, the journey there stings with the crushing weight of a raw and devastating emotional power. Godfather in blue.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

From worst movie of the year to the Godfather of cop movies? Providing an explanation for the distance between those two reviews is probably a superior mystery to the one in the movie (it currently sits at 27%).


Let’s move on to the sugar-laced smilebration of High School Musical 3: Senior Year.

“Coiffed with what must have been a budget-busting supply of styling gel, the cast of High School Musical 3: Senior Year looks not just freshly scrubbed, but manicured, exfoliated, and dipped in a vat of hot wax.” Scott Tobias Onion AV Club

Scrubbed clean and dipped in wax - Are you still talking about Saw?

“I so wanted to hate this movie - and I was doing well until halfway through, when I actually started to feel nostalgic and happy. Damn!” David Foucher EDGE Boston

Uh-oh, pessimists beware. You might find yourself smiling despite yourself. The movie currently sits at 67% positive. Aren’t there some cynics out there trying to knock the optimists down a few pegs?

“It's hard not to see the rabidly popular series's deliberate insubstantiality, its desire to address teendom in juvenile ways, as a depressing commentary on the dwindling standards of young entertainment consumers.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

I get that he’s angry. After all critics have to watch movies like Beverly Hills Chihuahua so we don’t have to, but I’m not really surprised that the movie addresses “teendom in juvenile ways.” Better juvenile than sophomoric. Let’s wrap this up with a final word on this weekend’s guaranteed champion.

“For those kids in the target audience, this is movie nirvana.” Christy Lemire Associated Press

Smells like teen spirit. Zing!

PDJ

One's pale and terrifying and the other's a puppet

This week has it all – an Oscar-buzzing biopic (W.), a teensploitation gross-out comedy (Sex Drive), a women-power book adaptation (Secret Life of Bees) and a video game actioner (Max Payne). Some are gold, some are gruesome: but every ticket costs the same. This week we'll break up our reviews along group dynamic lines. If you've seen It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia you know that classic teams of TV and film have four primary categories: The Brains, The Muscle, The Pretty Boy/Girl, and the Wildcard. Let's see how our square peg reviewers do when put into these round hole roles.

First up, Oliver Stone's biopic about soon-to-be-ex-president Bush (W. 61 %). While it's a little odd to have a fictionalized history of current events, Stone's directing and Josh Brolin's performance have already generated some critic love. Personally, the only award I know it deserves is shortest title. First up, let's hear from the Brains.

"By opposing the mob mentality that would hang Bush in effigy, W. imaginatively sympathizes with the most maligned president in modern history." Armond White New York Press

Does this mean that right-wing pro-Bush-no-matter-what Republican fanatics will like this movie too? Or does W. show us the silver lining on the black cloud hovering over the man who ruined America? Let's hear some tough-love courtesy of the Brawn.

"Since we're dealing with Oliver Stone, a point worth making once is worth making a hundred times, in 100-point boldface type, until not even the dimmest bulb in the audience can possibly miss it." Scott Von Doviak culturevulture.net

So W. is either a simple message about a simpleton President or a message movie where I'll feel like I paid 10 bucks to attend a bad Poli-Sci lecture. Help?

"Oliver Stone doesn't do comedy, intentionally. But perhaps he should: The half-baked, hayseed Hamlet he's created in W. feels alive only when it ventures into the comically absurd." John Anderson Newsday

So, it's a comedy too? As the highest rated movie coming out this weekend, I'd hoped we'd end with a clearer sense of the movie. Oh well, if talking about Bush doesn't inspire debate, you might be speaking to a rock. Take us home Wildcard.

"Never approaches the sometimes-hilarious horror of real life." Matt Pais Metromix.com

What movie can? Or better yet: what movie should? Aren't films meant to be escapism? Shouldn't the hilarious horror of real life be the context through which we evaluate this piece of art/entertainment rather than a criticism of the film's believability? Should I stop asking questions and move onto the next movie?

Next up, a raunchy teen-tries-to-lose-virginity road trip comedy called Sex Drive (45%). Let's hear from the smarties.

"Maybe Sex Drive wouldn't be such a slobbering excuse for a comedy if anyone involved had shown one iota of originality." Mark Peikert New York Press

Ouch. The smart people say it's dumb. People who support dumb people, what do you say?

"Another attempt at being the latest hip, raunchy comedy. And... it rises far above the other impersonators and rip-offs. This movie surprised me in every way." Austin Kennedy Sin Magazine

Funny that a raunchy sex movie is endorsed by a magazine called: SIN. Quick, let's hear from a brute.

"Sex Drive thrives on cruelty." Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

Great, but I don't know what that means. Wild card, help us out.

"This movie doesn't contain 'offensive language'. The offensive language contains the movie." Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

I can't tell if that comment is crazy or Zen. Maybe it's both, which would be Zen. Or maybe I'm crazy, which would be sad.

And speaking of sad, our next movie adapts a book about a young girl who goes to South Carolina in 1964 in search of secrets about her mother's past and ends up learning about beekeeping in The Secret Life of Bees (52%). This movie can be summed up with one review.

"Oprah Book Club: The Movie." Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

While I think I know what that means, I don't like to give any one source supreme power (that's my job), so here's a few more that flesh out the pro/con debate.

"Isn't it time that Hollywood took a sabbatical -- maybe a permanent one -- from movies in which black characters exist primarily to save the souls of white ones?" Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

Sure, but wouldn't it be more problematic to only see white characters saving the souls of black people?

"A fable of black and female liberation in the sixties south so drenched in sugar that watching it may make your teeth hurt." Frank Swietek One Guy's Opinion

Guess we can save ourselves a trip to the concessions stand.

"...it's almost impossible not to like it, in a pat-on-the-head, half-patronizing kind of way." Jim Lane Sacramento News & Review

Maybe it's just me, but 'almost impossible' sounds pretty likely. Wildcard, we need you.

"Is the sweetness worth the stickiness in this maudlin American Sisterhood of the Traveling Green Tomatoes?" Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

A good question. Perhaps we can answer it by pulling a Palin and completely ignoring it and focusing on a bland Resident Street Fighter Evil Tomb Doom Hitman movie: Max Payne (23%). Another swing-and-miss for Hollywood adapting a video game to film. Cue the Brainiac.

"There simply has yet to be a decent film adapted from a video game. Why studios persist is a testament to the lobotomised throngs who encourage them by paying to see this type of gleet." Jarrod Walker FILMINK (Australia)

All right Mr. Smartypants, I had to look up gleet (which is a thin, morbid discharge, as from a wound). You get points for being smart and angry. Let's hear from people who are just angry.

"I never trust a film in which the protagonists have conversations or even arguments in the pouring rain -- without umbrellas." Andrew L. Urban Urban Cinefile

So the protagonists are stupid, the action is limp and the tone is the worst kind of emo-noir cliché. I have to tell you, it sounds so bad it might be good.

"A big nothing, not even hokey enough to watch for the sake of laughing at it." Katey Rich CinemaBlend.com

Crap.

PDJ

Have a rockin' weekend!

A spy, a leper, a football icon, and a perpetual optimist walk into an underground bar. The bartender says: “You picked a hellovah time to visit.” Everyone looks at each other uncomfortably.

The spy says to the leper “Is it safe?”

To which the leper replies “Duh, no. Don’t touch me unless your health care covers flesh-eating rabies.”

“I’m out of here,” says the football player as he bolts towards the door. But the door is locked. Then the lights go out.

“Cool. Slumber party!” says the optimist.

To everyone who is completely confused, the above was a fictional meeting of this week’s movies. Not all of the reviews are in and I’m trying to get a jump on my roundup before I head out of town; That being said, let’s introduce you to the players.

First up, the spy. Director Ridley Scott pits Leonardo Dicaprio against Russell Crowe in Body of Lies. Even though the title could easily be for an erotic thriller, this movie’s about mercenaries shooting at terrorists while desk jockeys yell at both of them. In short, it’s Spy versus Spy without the cartoon influence.

“If you're looking for a high-tech, old-fashioned racist B-western, you've come to the right place, pilgrim.” Frank Lovece Film Journal International

Believe it or not, that was a positive review. Sorry Frank, you kind of self-described yourself as an idiot. Generally, racist westerns with John Wayne morals and science fiction technology aren’t good. Then again, I can’t think of an example, so maybe I’m the idiot. Next.

“Working from a screenplay by William Monahan, Scott takes rusty '80s clichés from the days when we were playing nuclear chicken with Russia and retrofits them to the post-9/11 world. He exposes how weary those old spy tropes really are.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

The more I hear critics try to describe Lies, the more out of focus it gets. It’s an 80’s cliché, playing off cold war ideas and post-9/11 racism, mixed with westerns and nuclear chickens. Did I get that right? Anyhow, let’s hear one more and move on.

“What distinguishes the book with compelling insight may not be so apparent in the cinematic context. Still, for spy calculus, action, and character realization, I assign you to see it.” Jules Brenner Cinema Signals

Wait, now there’s calculus involved. Also, who is this Jules guy and why is he assigning me homework? Unless this material is going to be on the test. And if not, do we get extra credit? Man, I’ve been living in a college town too long.

Next up is the killer-rabies leper-horror Quarantine. It’s Blair Witch filming with Outbreak’s plot: a building full of people get infected with killer rabies and the government traps everyone inside and quarantines the building. Screaming ensues. The votes still out, but from the few people in the know, it sounds like either good-bad or bad-bad. For example:

“Actress Jennifer Carpenter of Exorcism of Emily Rose fame surely deserves some kind of award for giving the most hysterical over-the-top performance in a horror movie since Marilyn Burns in the original 1974 Texas Chain Saw Massacre.” James O'Ehley
Sci-Fi Movie Page

I think they already have over-the-top-acting awards (they’re called Razzies – past winners include Lindsey Lohan and Madonna).

Next up, the football icon. In The Express, we learn the story of Ernie Davis (the first black athlete to win a Heisman) and his coach. Since football movies tend to play off the same concepts (triumph against over-whelming odds, personal achievement, hard-and-team work rock, etc), we pretty much know the plot. The acid (or drug) test is how it stacks up against everything else in the genre. Game on.

“In the past few years, we have seen lots of football films, and this is by far the best. I might even be so bold to say that this is the greatest football movie of all time.” Austin Kennedy Sin Magazine

Slow down Mister, some of us cry just thinking about Rudy.

“Rob Brown's performance in the title role is solid and static, but Dennis Quaid's portrayal of coach Ben Schwartzwalder provides a convincing metaphor for a nation going through a crisis of conscience.” John Anderson Variety

Why do we need a metaphor? Open your window and you can see that the world is hip deep in real crisis.

And speaking of crisis, the underground bar in our little intro story comes from City Of Ember, a young-adult book about an underground city kept alive by generators. But, when the generators start to go out, only the kids think it’s a good idea to try to solve the problem. Sounds very young-adult-literatury. Kids rule!

“Kenan’s palpable affection for his central creation is so strong that once we’re gasping fresh air, we want to dive back in, get to know Ember’s intriguing denizens better and properly explore its claustrophobic hinterland. Something we’re sadly denied.” Dan Jolin Empire Magazine

However, not enough reviews are in to know if we should hope the lights stay on or go off forever.

Onto the final flick, an indie of undeniable quality that speaks to me on a very personal level: Happy-Go-Lucky. Currently clocking in at 97% positive (w/38 reviews), it’s the pick of the week. Too bad it won’t come to Pullman. Telling the story of an unwavering optimist and her daily life, just about everyone digs the character study/cheerful comedy.

“Indeed, playing someone sunny without making them totally irritating might be more of a challenge than portraying Lady Macbeth, and Hawkins makes Poppy's good cheer pragmatic and personable.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

I’m smiling as I read these. Hit me with another.

“A film that should be required viewing nationwide. A good blast of fresh air that sweeps you off your feet.”Holly Grigg-Spall Channel 4 Film

Giggles abound. Last call for happy thoughts.

“Fresh, funny and uplifting. A zingy, irresistible sorbet of light-footed comedy and everyday humanity. Only hardened churls will roll their weary eyes at Hawkins’ gusto. Leigh’s most open and optimistic film since Life Is Sweet.” Andy Lowe Total Film

Sweet. Stay happy everyone.

PDJ

Unchecked optimism gets 10 out of 10!

Unlike last week’s avalanche of lame, this week, you’re treated to several solid films. However, for no good reason, we’re only going to see the negative reviews. If you’re one of those people who needs a reason, assume it’s because the bad reviews are funnier, which in turn makes this roundup more amusing. Let me show you what I mean.

The opening movie with the best ratings is the Ed Harris Western: Appaloosa (75%). Most reviewers agree that it’s an impressive modern addition to the genre, but that’s not funny.

“Squinting Zellweger ruins it. I liked the hats.” Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com

Ah, nonsense. It’s almost as if the reviewer thought they were attending a 2-hour QVC special focused on western fashion. Then Zellweger shows up and spoils it. Other reviewers preferred to rewrite the film into something they want to see.

“Bring back Hopalong Cassidy and Randolph Scott and you've got the making of a respectable horse opera.” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

This one makes me laugh for two reasons. First, I’ve never heard of a horse opera. All I know about opera is that people sing and that when Star Wars did it in space, Lucas replaced singing with light sabers. Second, the review writes for Compuserve. Isn’t that an Internet service provider? What the hell are they doing writing reviews about Westerns?

Next up the wild night romantic comedy Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. It’s a cute title with some cute stars and most reviewers dug the trendy cuteness (71%), however some reviewers questioned its Indie hip credibility.

“It's like looking through a dreamy, indiemope kaleidoscope at a party you're not invited to, and, frankly, not even sure you'd want to attend.” Marc Savlov Austin Chronicle

So, I could recreate the feeling of this movie by rubbing Vaseline and glitter in my eyes and stumbling into a fraternity party? Hm. While I ponder the outcome of that hypothetical, listen to this guy.

“Caloric with whimsy but lacks distinctive dramatic weight, to a degree that it ceases to be a movie and transforms into something resembling a tiresome Diet Coke commercial.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

At worst, Nick and Norah delivers fewer entertainment calories than Diet Coke. Well, at least he didn’t say Coke Zero.

Next up is Flash of Genius, starring Greg Kinnear. It is the surprisingly inspirational story of how the creator of the windshield wiper got cheated by auto manufacturers and had to go on a personal crusade to stick up for the little guy (ie himself). The true story credit, plus some solid acting/direction chops resonated with critics (62%), just not these folks.

“A kamikaze flight of a movie that presents itself like a weighty Oscar contender. If there were a category for Best Unintentional Self-Parody, it would be a shoo-in.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

The mental image of a kamikaze self-parodyinng Oscar contender sounds intriguing. What else does it do wrong?

“The big-screen version of inventor Robert Kearns’ legal battles with Ford and Chrysler... is about as exciting as Kearns’ Wikipedia entry.” Robert Wilonsky L.A. Weekly

Good thing I actually enjoy reading some Wikipedia entries. Last up, is a film that looks so bad, I hesitate to even make fun of it. When you were a kid, did you ever avoid touching pictures of snakes or spiders because you thought the picture itself transmitted ookiness through the page? Well, Beverly Hills Chihuahua is like that, but for your eyeballs.

I must admit, when I saw that Chihuahua was opening this weekend, I expected a single digit total. Instead, Disney polished their horror to a gleaming shine (45%).

“The good news: Beverly Hills Chihuahua is not the apocalypse-signaling, cultural abomination its trailers make it out to be. The bad news: That's pretty much the best thing that can be said about it.” Adam Graham Detroit News

Yay? One more.

“The film is Beverly Hills Chihuahua. The audience is the fire hydrant.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Just be glad Chihuahua isn’t in 3-D.

Final warning: If you go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua this weekend, you are inviting Hollywood to create a sub-genre of talking dog movies.

Stoner comedies


Bond clones


Sports stories


Nerd revenge


Horror movies


Eventually, dogs will fall victim to the curse of Hollywood vanity


Do your part. Go see something else!

PDJ