I normally try to get these blogs posted the day the movies come out, but since Holiday movies don’t subscribe to traditional schedules, I’m a day late. And looking at the scores of this week’s movies, I think they all could have stayed in the oven a little longer.

Our top rated stinker is a coin flip: Australia - 51%. The top actors from down under (Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman) bring you a classic romantic epic. First up, the ick.

“Swells of emotion & panoramic stampedes fill the screen; however, meandering scenes in between have been cut out at the seams so often, you'll be wandering what it all means.” Ross Anthony Hollywood Report Card

Right now, you’re getting a C for spelling. If you wander why, please see me after class.

“Like the kangaroo that goes from a newcomer's sightseeing delight to dinner meat with the sudden crack of a rifle shot, Australia hops all over the place.” Larry Ratliff San Antonio Express-News

No kangaroo’s were harmed during the writing of that review. I checked. Anyone else want to draw an inappropriate connection to a native Aussie animal?

“Australia is so damnably eager to please that it feels like being pinned down by a giant overfriendly dingo and having your face licked for about three hours: theoretically endearing but, honestly, kind of gross.” Liam Lacey

The nay-sayers say nay and the yay-sayers say?

“A wildly ambitious, luridly indulgent spectacle of romance, action, melodrama and historic revisionism, Australia is windy, overblown, utterly preposterous and insanely entertaining.” Ann Hornaday Washington Post

Okay. The yay-sayers enjoy preposterous indulgent (and inaccurate) historical romances. But, is windy a compliment?

“You half expect a bloodied and battered Ben Affleck to be running shirtless in slow motion while an Aerosmith ballad blasts forth like cover fire from above. Hopefully Fosters beer won't sue, but it's true: Baz Luhrmann is Australian for Michael Bay.” Mike Ward Richmond.com

Funny, the previews made me think Australia was Australian for Far and Away, but now it sounds like an Aussie Pearl Harbor or Armageddon. Wow, I’m getting more confused as I think about that. Let’s move on to a movie that is likely to be confusing and simple-minded at the same time: Transporter 3 - 35%.

There isn’t much point in summarizing the plot or characters of this franchise, because everything about these movies is an excuse to crash a car or punch someone. Both the good and bad reviews sound the same.

“It's kinda fast, it looks cheap, it's definitely out of control.” Alex Markerson E! Online

“Transporter 3 is so bad it's good, and it knows it.” Tom Long Detroit News

While you’re trying to figure out which is which, lets wrap up with a truly insightful question.

“Who knew a nice blazer could be used as an improvised nunchuck?” Stephen Garrett Time Out New York

Who indeed? Now then, last up is a film that should be ashamed of itself for coming in behind a movie that makes pin stripes sound sharp and dangerous: Four Christmases - 26%.

It’s a family comedy with academy award winner Reese Witherspoon and teen choice award winner Vince Vaughn plodding through the holidays by hating on relatives, but eventually learning that families are the best present of all. Sounds like rotten eggnog mixed with extra sugar and bile.

“It really needs to be stamped Don't Open Until DVD.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger

So you’re saying we should watch it eventually? Why not ‘Don’t Open Ever’?

“It’s not a classic, but it is the best seasonal comedy Hollywood has given us in years, so thanks!” Heart 106.2

Really? That’s either a reviewer with low standards or a studio plant/payoff. Let’s hear from the haters again.

“Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon play the leads. Do they convince as lawyers or lovers? No. Do they convince as space aliens trying to infiltrate the human race? Yes.” Charlotte O'Sullivan

That’s better. The alien angle sounds promising. Anyone else have a pitch to make the movie more interesting?

“Witherspoon and Vaughn are physically ill-matched. She has never looked tinier, while the always gigantic Vaughn has put on so much weight that I half-expected the big plot revelation to be that he'd eaten her twin sister.” Christopher Tookey Daily Mail [UK]

Fascinating. Now then, do we really need four Christmases? Wouldn’t three be enough?

“Four Christmases is two Christmases too many. Two I could survive. But four of them? Nah. Call me Scrooge. Bah humbug.” Gary Wolcott Tri-City Herald

We’ve got two. Do I hear one and a half?

“One and a half Christmases is about all that's worth celebrating in Four Christmases.” Claudia Puig USA Today

Sold. Now then, let’s wrap this up with one final reason why you’re better off watching your old worn out VHS tapes of The Grinch and Christmas Story.

“The difference between the average unfunny comedy and this one is the difference between Grandpa telling you knock-knock jokes and Grandpa telling you knock-knock jokes with his bathrobe open as his hand creeps up your thigh.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Uh…happy holidays?

Pat
Does
Jolly

Buffy and Angel.
Lestat and Louis.
Blade and swords.

Not every vampire movie is horror, but the ones that aren’t are romance. This might explain why we haven’t seen any vampire romantic comedies or westerns. In fact knowing that Twilight didn’t open on Halloween tells you which side of the romanticism – cannibalism spectrum were dealing with. If you’re not a reader, you may have missed the young adult craze surrounding Stephenie Meyer’s quartet of vampire lustfests, but you may have trouble ignoring the film.

Twilight has already made Fandango’s all time list of pre-sold tickets and encouraged a generation of young girls to dream of being kidnapped by anemic male models. So we know it’s going to make oodles of money, but does it suck?

“Twilight is often a lot of fun to watch -- the atmosphere of wet green trees and subtle danger, the gothic breathiness of doomed romance, the way all the vampires have better hair than anyone else -- and seems to give its intended audience what it wants.” Moira MacDonald Seattle Times

Should the audience expect to walk out lusting for vampires or supernatural styling gel?

“Invest any spare cash you have in companies that deal in hair gel. I have a feeling this film is going to be huge.” Peter Hartlaub San Francisco Chronicle

Got it – thumbs up for the hair. Clearly the film’s stylist deserves an endorsement deal. What about the debate between book loyalists and average moviegoers?

“Director Catherine Hardwick leads her young cast through the story's soap opera elements with honest respect for the material.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

Sounds like book lovers will be happy.

Ze book


“This entire adaptation was carried through by [the] wonderful Catherine Hardwicke, who took a shiny little turd and transformed it into a watchable, slightly enjoyable film.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

So for people who think the book is a shiny turd, the result is slightly watchable? I can’t tell if that’s praise.

“Soul-searching looks between young lovers can be fine--but when mutually-emphatic eyeballing stands in for a plot, it's insufferable. Bring a thermos of espresso. And an alarm clock.” Kimberly Gadette LivePDX

Yeouch. Okay, I know that’s not praise. Anyone else want to hop on the ‘stake the vampire’ bandwagon?

“The term 'meh' was added to the dictionary this week, and just in time.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Vampires give the best piggyback rides!


Yeah, but it’s a love story, which means film’s ultimate goal is to twang the heart-stings.

“The movie version gives really good swoon.” Chuck Wilson Village Voice

All right. How good are we talking? Like weak in the knees or hyperventilating Beatle-mania teens?

“WHAT WAS THAT???That 'thunk' you just heard wasn't a shift of the earth's core. No, it was jillions of women, younger and older, swooning over the movie 'Twilight.'” Linda Cook Quad City Times (Davenport, IA)

Wow. That is good swoon. Okay, so it does hair and swooning well, but the rest is a question of taste. Even if Twilight isn’t entered into the Nosferatu canon, it may be the most popular vampire story of the decade (even with its 44% positive rating). Other vampire romance novelists beware - this is the new status quo.

“Your move, Anne Rice!” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

Pamper
Demonic
Juveniles

Yay! I'm a sex symbol again!

Whew. You weren't so frightened of the subject line that you avoided reading this. Awesome. Now then, a handful of movies open this weekend and they all are sharing reviewer love. Maybe critic happiness is tied to weather; hence the Oscar season of holiday movies. Hmm. Anyhow, you probably won't hear much about Slumdog Millionaire (90%) directed by Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, 28 days later) or A Christmas Tale (93%) which tells the darkly comic story of an estranged son returning home for the holidays. Chances are you don't care about these movies because this weekend is all about Bond. And how did Bond's latest outing of espionage and action do? Pretty well actually (Quantum of Solace - 69%).


The consensus seems to be that it's not as good as Casino Royale, but there is disagreement on how close it came. It’s a true sequel (picking up where the previous installment left off) which is rare for Bond. Here Bond mourns Vesper by killing all the people responsible for her death. Since revenge is dish best served as cold as a penguin's ass in the dead of winter, let's hear how icy and grim Bond got this time around.

“Revenge is a dish best served with bullets, high explosives and fireballs. In QoS James Bond orders the revenge buffet, deluxe.” Kyle Smith KyleSmithOnline.com

I like my revenge comparison better.

“Still having a bad day in Quantum's leap into radically chilling ruthlessness, that homicidally gifted 007 pursues without the least hesitation, revenge as a dish best served with a cold Martini.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

I’m sticking with penguin ass. So lots of BOOM! and POW! with a little less quip. We get it; he’s tortured and really good at hurting people. Bond goes thuggish with a grimace rather than a smirk. Enough of that, let’s play a game. It’s called good review, bad review. Let’s see if you can tell Quantum of Solace praise from criticism.

Yep. Quantum was a real short story from the original author.


“While I'm most definitely disappointed with the film- I still enjoyed it once I accepted the fact that it bares no resemblance to the Bond franchise that I know and love.” Chris Bumbray rec.arts.movies.reviews

You’d think disappointment would be a deal breaker, but it wasn’t. Thumbs up.

"Bond's one-liners are replaced by stoic stares. The flirty martini has been traded in for self-hating binge drinking. And even 007's bedroom shenanigans are condensed to a mere quickie." Mike Ward Richmond.com

Sounds pretty bad, but it wasn’t. While the ladies might disagree, this guy didn't let any of his problems get in the way of liking it. Another thumb aimed at clouds.

Yep. He still looks like this.


“The result isn't bland, but it's not exactly Bond either.” Joe Neumaier New York Daily News

‘Not bland’ sounds ‘not bad.’ But it was. Thumbs down.

“The 22nd Bond film too often seems like an old friend on the wrong anti-depressant: still the person you love, but the rhythm's off and the precious moments fewer and further between.” Peter Canavese Groucho Reviews

He was right on the fence (2.5 out of 4), but still good enough to hitchhike.

“Forster could craft Quantum of Solace into a thoughtful rumination on revenge and what it does to the soul or he could blow stuff up. Guess what he does.” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

The director must blow stuff up really well, because ol' Willie Waffle liked it.

“So jam-packed with stuntwork, shootouts, and standoffs that the conspiracy-oriented plot can barely get a word in edgewise.” Bill Gibron Filmcritic.com

Apparently the plot was important to Billy because this one was negative. Well, you get the idea. Most critics have some problem with it, but it succeeds at giving us more of what we got with Casino Royale. The problem is - the idea is a little less fresh now. As a final thought, let’s end with someone who’s really got their finger on the most important aspect of a believable Bond and rebooting the franchise so it resonated with modern sensibilities.

“Since this is really the origin story of a man who kills people for a living, a darker tone makes total sense. I mean, really...do you want to go back to jet-packs?” Jenna Busch UGO

Only on DVD. Take care all.

Predict Justice Damn-it.

As of late, the movies that have been coming out have been 1 'pretty good' for every 3 'completely awful'. While this week offers something different (2 'pretty good'), the coming weeks begins the holiday movie rush (Quantum of Solace followed by Twilight), which makes this week’s releases the holiday movie benchwarmers. That being said, you may find a few happy surprises.


First up, another attempt at the Apatow formula (equal parts gross and sentimental) Role Models (73%). It features actors better known as the characters they’ve played Shawn William Scott (Steve Stiffler from American Pie) and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (better know as McLovin). However the stand out performer this time around is co-writer/star Paul Rudd who’s been an Apatow wingman almost as long as Seth Rogan. It’s the biggest critic pleaser of the week, so enough blah blah, let’s hear some rah rah sis boom bah!

“Filth and sentimentality -- the yin- yang combo of current guy comedy -- entwine in Role Models with the naughty bits overpowering the funny.” Lisa Kennedy Denver Post

Wait, that’s not a positive review (I think). Try again.

“Role Models proves that a drab and formulaic Hollywood studio comedy can still make you laugh hard enough to choke on your popcorn.” Rene Rodriguez Miami Herald

That’s more like it. The tagline could be: people die from laughing at this film. Or at least: comedies don’t kill people, choking on popcorn does…but only if they’re watching something funny.

I typed 'Role Models' into Google image and got these two examples on the first page.


“Role Models is about as irresponsible and as irreverent as a movie comedy can be.” Jeff Vice Deseret News, Salt Lake City

I’m glad to hear that those qualities are positives.

“Role Models is like a comfortable, old sweater. It may be somewhat threadbare and out of fashion, but you wear it because it's familiar and snug and makes you feel cozy.” Brandon Fibbs Colorado Springs Gazette

So, irresponsibility and irreverence will make you feel cozy?

“The equivalent of trying to sneak an issue of Newsweek into the house, rolled up inside a copy of Mad magazine.” Stephanie Zacharek Salon.com

I’m confused. This movie is Newsweek in this situation but the marketing is Mad? In order to understand this metaphor, I offer a counter-metaphor. Role Models is like a Starbucks cookie laced with Meth. Instead of wasting time with explanation, let’s move on.


Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa also opens this week and does pretty well (59%). My feeling on the original was that the subordinate characters were great (penguins, monkeys, lemurs) but the stars (Ben Stiller, Chris Rock) were lame sauce. So, did Hollywood hear my cry?

“It's still primarily the supporting cast that's funny, not the leads -- but hey, if Dreamworks were capable of doing everything right it would have to change its name to Pixar.” Eric D. Snider Cinematical

After reading that I want to shout BURN! But in reality, playing second fiddle to Pixar is like being Jordan’s Scotty Pippen – You may not be on top, but you’re still looking down on a lot of people.

“A decent-enough sequel that will satisfy fans without unduly bothering Oscar animation voters.” Glenn Whipp Los Angeles Daily News

Oh, pardon us. I’d hate to unduly bother those exceedingly busy Oscar animation voters. Mr. Whipp’s tone is just snarky enough to get on my nerves. Someone want to help channel my rage?

“The nonsensical title is the least of its problems--how, exactly, are the characters escaping to Africa if the place they begin is technically a part of Africa?” Dustin Putman TheMovieBoy.com

Yeah! What the hell!?!

“All shtick and repetition, something the little ones may find entertaining, but something that will drive parents 2 boredom, 2 another theater, or 2 ask for their money back.” Brian Tallerico Movie Retriever

The only way 2 get you 2 stop replacing words with numbers is 2 move on.

Last up, Bernie Mac’s final movie, the buddy comedy Soul Men (41%). Samuel L. Jackson also stars in the story of two former singing sensations on a grumpy old men reunion road trip. Let’s do a point/counter-point on whether this movie is a fitting final chapter for Bernie Mac or a career footnote.
POINT “In spite of its title, the film has precious little soul, but its real offense is being Mac's final on screen credit.” Todd Gilchrist IGN Movies

COUNTER-POINT “'Soul Men' is not only a tribute to Mac and Hayes, but the film is also funny, often outrageously crude, and pleasurable.” Wilson Morales BlackFilm.com

Sounds like a question of taste. What else does Soul Men have to offer?

“Samuel L. Jackson continues his tradition of inventive facial hair in Soul Men. And his tradition of appearing in movies unworthy of his talent.” Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) St. Paul Pioneer Press

Is the facial hair the most disconcerting element of this picture?


“It's the script and not Floyd that needs a shot of Viagra.” John Beifuss Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)

Huh? Any mental picture I try to conjure gets confused. Wouldn’t a script on Viagra have really stiff pages? Before I get too confused, let’s hear a final thought.

“Mac was a magnetic performer with a long history of redeeming mediocre movies; unfortunately this is another one.” J. R. Jones Chicago Reader

Huh again? Unless the movie doesn’t deserve redemption, I’d say Mac went out on a high(ish) note. We’ll miss ya Bernie.



PDJ