Hello all, I hope your Christmas is full of laughs, good food, and your full capacity of joy. Best wishes and I'll be back with more movie roundups at the start of next year.
CHRISTMAS ROCKS!

“Klaatu barada nikto!”

Pop quiz hot shot, what is the story with the gibberish? Why is it referenced in classic science fiction literature, TV, and film including Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Tron, Star Wars, Farscape, The Simpsons, Galaxy Quest, Men In Black and Army of Darkness? Why is it listed as the title of Mozilla Firefox’s page about:robots? And why has it been called “one of the most famous commands in science fiction”? A long answer would take a thousand words, so here’s the short answer.



Yep, in 1951 “Klaatu barada nikto!” was immortalized in science fiction in The Day the Earth Stood Still. When the alien robot Gort intends to destroy Earth, uttering this phrase saved us all. Now, 57 years later, I am excited to see how many technological travesties I can avoid by applying its linguistic mojo. So, while I’m screaming at vending machines and parking meters, listen to what people have to say about the remake.

"Since Keanu Reeves has all the expressiveness of a toaster, why is he starring in the new The Day the Earth Stood Still as human-looking alien Klaatu rather than giant robot Gort?" Nick Schager Slant Magazine

A fair question. Probably because his movies continue to make money off his toasteriffic acting abilities.

Beware my Act-Fu!


"Many fans of the original will hate it. A pity. Because it redecorates the tale while remaining true to its theme. Keanu Reeves plays Klaatu with all the expressiveness of a wok. I have never seen a wok better portrayed." Victor Olliver Teletext

Were reviewers hungry while they watched this movie? I love kitchen implements as much as the next guy, but I don't daydream about toasters and woks when I see Keanu. Enough about Ted Theodore Logan, what about the movie?

“The Day the Earth Barely Even Notices We're on the Brink of Doom, and Why Don't Those Damn Hippies Just Shut Up About Global Warming Already?” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

First Of All, You Need To Review Capitalization Rules. Second Of All, The Reason Hippies Won’t Shut Up (And Shouldn’t) Is Because Reducing A Global Problem To Something Only Hippies Worry About Spells Doom For Everyone.

"Fox has sucked all the color out of The Day The Earth Stood Still..." Uncle Creepy Dread Central

I see what you did there. Since the original was black and white, it's ironic that a modern version would lack color. Clever.

Even the original poster is superior

"Like a skydiver whose parachute never opens, plummeting towards an ending that basically says, 'Humans: Awful at Environmentalism, Great at Hugging.'" Matt Pais Metromix.com

Hey, at least we’re great at something. Does the movie accomplish any other backward successes?

“If you're looking for chuckles this holiday season, bypass the miserably unfunny Four Christmases and go where the real comedy is -- The Day the Earth Stood Still, a clumsy, moronic remake of Robert Wise's brilliant 1951 classic.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

There's nothing funny about being a toaster

Sometimes unintentional comedy is better than the real thing. When I saw Punisher: War Zone last week, I laughed harder at one scene than I have at most comedies. Just to clarify: being a remake of something good does not make it something worth spending your holiday dollars on (The Day the Earth Stood Still - 24%).

"[A] very, very bad film." Tim Robey Daily Telegraph

“I hate myself for sitting through the entire film.” Devin Faraci CHUD

Self-loathing aside, this is the type of movie designed for people with low expectations. Also, it’s the only major mainstream movie being released this weekend (unless you count Nothing Like the Holidays (51%)or Delgo (14%). So, desperate filmgoers should avoid plunking down what’s left of their Black Friday piggybanks on a movie that might do THIS to you:

“Add to that some unimpressive CGI and a bizarrely abrupt ending and you have the day your buttocks went to sleep, your brain melted and your will to live evaporated.” David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]

If this movie melts you brain, I recommend suing the theater and/or screaming “Klaatu barada nikto” at the projector, cash register and any other piece of technology responsible. What’s the worst that could happen?

PDJ

Whoops!

With Thanksgiving last week, Christmas a few away and New Years right on Santa’s heels, this week ends up with a case of middle child syndrome – and the movies reflect that. If you only have a passing interest in what comes out each weekend, then you probably haven’t heard of this week’s entries. We’ve got a music history biopic, a zany dark comedy, and a gore-fest actioner that’s already been made (twice) and only one of them made it over 25% positive.

First up, Cadillac Records (69%). Beyonce Knowles continues to insert herself into music history, following up Dreamgirls with this story of Chess Records, which helped redefine music in the 1950’s and 60’s with artists such as Chuck Berry (Mos Def), Muddy Waters (Jeffrey Wright), and Etta James (Beyonce). Records is the only chart topper out this week, so give us some of the greatest hits.

“Magnificent performances and soul-shaking music make up for some narrative stumbles and dubious fictions in this film about the legendary Chicago record label.” Nell Minow Beliefnet

Soul-shaking music. Sounds good – literally.

“If Cadillac Records had a theme song, it would be Zeppelin's 'Communication Breakdown' or House of Pain's 'Jump Around.'” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Hm. Since those songs were picked for narrative commentary rather than tonal accuracy, let’s assume that regardless of historical accuracy, we should enjoy the music.

“Just as in real life, no matter what else is going on in these musicians' lives, the music temporarily makes everything much better.” Tasha Robinson Chicago Tribune Top Critic Icon Top Critic

Awesome. Anyone want to say something inappropriate/irrelevant?

“The cast all looks and sings the part -- and Knowles sure fills out James' tight dresses -- just make sure your theater popcorn is coated with grains of salt.” Amy Nicholson I.E. Weekly

Thanks for the popcorn advice. Moving on to Nobel Son 24% - A dark comedy staring Alan Rickman (the bad guy from Die Hard, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, Quigley Down Under, Harry Potter, Sweeny Todd, etc.) who plays an academic who wins the Nobel Prize. Only, as a reward for his fame, someone kidnaps his son and our favorite bad guy decides not to pay the ransom. Despite the rating, Rickman playing a bastard might be the only reason I need to see this movie.

“Although sometimes too self-consciously odd for its own good, the film is at times rollicking good fun, with Alan Rickman having a ball offending everyone within earshot as the brilliant, self-centered Eli Michaelson.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic Top Critic Icon Top Critic

If you’re a fan, there’s your reason for taking a chance. For everyone else: what went wrong?

“The director, Randall Miller, appears to be trying to cross a bad Elmore Leonard thriller with a bad indie-festival family-angst comedy.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

Any time you have to use two hyphens to describe the genre, you’re already in trouble. So the movie has come confused ideas about its genre. How bad could that be?

“Nobel Son was one of my most unpleasant filmgoing experiences of 2008 (and in a year like this, that's saying something).” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

Wow. Despite seeing Eliza Dushku acting like a sexed up poet and Alan Rickman hamming it up as an uber-bastard, this one sounds like a stinker.
And speaking of stinkers, last up is Punisher: War Zone 16%, which is aiming for ‘so bad its good’ but ended up closer to ‘pure shit’. But, rather than let negativity win, let’s see if we can put a positive spin on one of the lowest scores of the month.

“Punisher: War Zone is 100 minutes of people getting shot in the face - bad Italian stereotypes, non-existent narrative, and people getting shot in the face.” Bill Gibron PopMatters

Well, ‘Yay!’ for people who like seeing people get shot in the face. It was so impressive it got mentioned twice. What else you got?

“A picture of deliberate stupidity and derivative artistry, Punisher: War Zone is so atrocious it makes professional wrestling look like a whimsical afternoon with Shakespeare in the Park by comparison.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

Yay for people who like professional wrestling enough to compare it Shakespeare!

You're probably better off with the source material


“Gore-drenched actioner is guaranteed to draw fans of wretched excess like moths to a nuclear holocaust.” John Anderson Variety

Yay for fans of the Holo….hm. Never mind. If I complete that sentence I might end up unhappy with my afterlife vacation plans. But is it fair to criticize a film for being economical. After all, it’s not like this movie is showcasing any big stars/directors.

“You used to be able to depend on a bad film being poorly made. No longer. The Punisher: War Zone is one of the best-made bad movies I've seen.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

Crap. Okay, but Ray Stevenson was great in Rome. He’s got to be at least passable here too right?

“Junk, pure and simple...Stevenson [is] a beefy, taciturn fellow with all the charisma of Steven Seagal and an emotional range that goes from A to somewhere just shy of A-.” Frank Swietek One Guy's Opinion

Jeez. Last chance. This Punisher movie can’t be as bad as the other ones…

“This atrocity is even worse than the 2004 version, if such a thing is possible, though I have to grudgingly admit that while it is as foul, vile and stupid as all get out, it is still somewhat better than the Dolph Lundgren version.” Peter Sobczynski eFilmCritic.com

Yay for Thomas Jayne fans and Dolph Lundgren haters! Okay, since almost 2 in 10 people liked it, let’s end with a little bit of sugar in this shit sandwich.

“On the plus side, Punisher: War Zone has one of the all-time great B-movie last lines: 'Oh, God, now I've got brains splattered all over me!'” Clark Collis Entertainment Weekly

Yay?

Punish
Da
Jugular


This week's choices - I've already decided